President's Choice Club Soda Is A Misnomer

I haven’t been around much online lately. Mostly because in light of all the recent world events(Japan falling into the sea, that uprising in that country with the oil, another Canadian election) I felt that my usual complaints about trivial shit would be in poor taste. Of course that all changed for me a bit over a week ago and I can no longer stay silent. I’m sure that if you make it to the end of this collection of words you’ll agree that a great injustice has been done to me and you will join me on the battefields to fight with me in solidarity.

It all started for me on Monday. Much like any other Monday I got out of bed and sat down at my desk prepared for another soul crushing day of work. Needless to say my work requires some type of refreshment and a shitload of medication to keep me sane. For reasons that I will not get into here my usual morning beverage as of late has recently changed from diet pepsi(which is far superior to diet coke but try telling that to that whore of a waitress who refused to acknowledge the difference. I refused to acknowledge her right to exist peacefully because of her attitude which is why they don’t let me into Swiss Chalet anymore) to club soda with some lemon. I tend to be very particular about the type of pop* I drink. For any flavoured stuff I like to stick with name brands because the store brand stuff normally tastes like rotten ass. However I fail to see the point in buying name brand club soda since I refuse to pay double for what is essentially water, carbon dioxide and sodium.

Which brings to me the latest tragedy to be unleashed on our society.  I grabbed the glass that had been collecting dust on my desk all weekend and rinsed it out half-assedly. I reached into the fridge and grabbed the first of two bottles of PC Club Soda that I bought over the weekend. They were both placed strategically close to the rear of the fridge so that they were as cold as possible. Now normally it’s really hard for me to open a bottle of soda without having a bunch of it spill on the floor because of my heroic hands gripping too tightly on the bottle. I twisted the cap, saw that I was squeezing the bottle and expected a tsunami of salty bubbles to come rushing forth.

All I heard was “psst”. Silence.

Maybe I’m weaker than I thought? Maybe I finally figured out how to open something without leaving a trail of devastation in my wake? I shrugged at the lacklustre reaction of the bottle and started pouring.

No fucking bubbles.

Like not even a couple of Perrier sized motherfuckers. Just flat water leaving the spout, making a pathetic glug sound and impotently filling up my lemon encrusted soda glass.

I tried to make the best of it. Even if it wasn’t fizzy it was still really cold and could possibly be refreshing if I had a hangover or something like that(not like that happens often enough). I dropped in my lemon and chalked the whole thing up to random chance. Perhaps the bottle was damaged in transport or something. These things happen and since it only cost me $1.29 for two litres it wasn’t much of a loss. And hey I still have that other bottle!

Now I wouldn’t refer to myself as a good example of mental stability but I do have certain rules that I need to follow or else everyone will die or something like that. One of these rules which has been burned into every fibre of my ass-hair is that you don’t waste anything. Wasting food or anything else for that matter is really the worst thing you can do. So even though I didn’t enjoy it for a second and the bottle cost next to nothing I could not allow myself to just pour it down the sink. After all there are like 60 people in Africa who could live on that bottle of water and sodium for a month. Over the next couple of days I finished the whole bottle off with the help of a few lemons and looked forward to opening that second bottle that was behind it the whole time.

Pfft.

How can you sleep at night?

How can you sleep at night?

Fuck me over once, shame on you. Fuck me over for $2.58 and you’ve just made an enemy for life. At this point I feel secure in saying that I will never again waste my money on a bottle of flat water and sodium and if pressed would thoroughly enjoy raping the eye sockets of everyone responsible for allowing this product to get into my fridge and completely ruin my week.

Little tip to grocery stores out there; if you sell me a bottle of club soda it follows that there should be soda in the fucking bottle. The only reason I drink club soda is because I hate drinking water and would rather have refreshing bubbles popping in my mouth(shut up). Water already comes from my tap for free and I don’t touch the shit. Why would a company do this? Do they think I’ll ever forget about this experience?

The whole debacle has deterred me from ever buying a PC product again. How can I be sure that their chicken stock isn’t just water salt and food colouring? If you can’t get club soda right then how can you be trusted with anything else? Is this just some kind of sick game you like to play so you have something to talk about on the golf course? I bet you guys are just laughing your asses of at the poor shmuck who paid $2.58 for 4L of water.

You people sicken me.

*For you Americans out there what I refer to as “pop” you would know as “soda”. Around here we call it pop because it’s too cold to bother with more than one syllable.  lolcanada.